Friday, April 29, 2011

This is where I've been wrong.

Everything would feel numb right now. Any hope I had in redemption, or freedom, whittled away with the choices I made. So what now?

I've lost you in so many ways than one. Much deserved from the events of the this month.

I's better to have to stop it this way. To stop loving, and forget it all. To actually let it all go, like I said I stupidly wanted. I wanted to tell you, that I loved you. That somehow I wanted to run back to you. That for some stupid reason, I'm more in love with you for everything. That I lost everything.

But in all, this is the bed I will lie in. I'll close whatever I feel. I'll let you go. It's been the choice that was determined from the beginning.

Ha. The thought of it is numbing and hurtful.

But thats the way it is. I've been wrong to ever think otherwise. Or in any case, wrong to have acted the way I've been, treated you the way I've treated, felt what I have felt, fought when I should have, been worthier than shit.

Let all come in the way it should. Laugh it away, smile with the world because it laughs at you.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Deja Vu.

Yet again, as history implies, the wants are exaggerated and blind. I learn now that whatever has been done was made on such confusion, such blindness and exaggeration that I can't believe I've done so. There's so much I  could tell you on what I feel right now, about what my hearts constant changing wants and needs, as if nothing apart from me really matters. Probably you'd be the only one who could understand it all. But still, forgive me for the indecency or the disrespect of it all.

Foolish as it is, I didn't learn from past mistakes. What did I garner to expect? What did I really want? From my choices? Sigh. Sadly, it gives me more reason to take this way. Maybe one day, when all is okay, you can ask about this, if you ever read it. And I'll tell you and maybe you'd understand a bit more. Maybe even then, everyone would understand a bit more.

I apologize to 'you' as well, for bringing you into all this simply because of me. For being rash and stupid too. For thinking too much and thinking too less, for doing what I did, and feeling what I feel and adding myself to your problems.

So then, goodnight to all, and all a good night, or what's left of it.

Cold Rebirth.

An interesting night this may be. Loneliness runs rampant and I've thrown out all unwanted and old clothes out. A reinvention of the sorts.

That sounds good.

It'll be the day, where I will be better and improved, reincarnated. No longer will I lie unnoticed, unattended and unwanted. Heads will turn. I will be someone. No longer in the shadows.

Odd Humor.

I'd always like to think my life was like a sitcom. Haha. I'm Ross now? 

This is our Life


One day, all of us will think about these days in life and understand everything. No more confusion, hate, or pain. One day. 


I will try to be vague as much as possibly for the delight of anyone who reads this so it may be confusing, scarce and ill-positioned.

I hate it all. I hate it that it should all burn. I should burn. All done by by choices made that put me in place like the sands of time. I wasted and gave up on love, put up for life of liberty and freedom supposedly, so I may venture and be willing in any form of temptation or desire. That I wanted the other and not the love. Its stupid. It all is. Every bit of it.

As much as I think it, even if things are said to be okay, I don't know if it'll ever really be. I've lost love even while in love, wanting else wise while wanting love. I try to ease the heart and say it'll be fine. I'll learn how I am, I'll find my damn self and be free and learn to love love again. But still, why do I have to feel so ready, why do I have to feel okay? I've lost love and I've lost the other. Its not that I want anything. Its not that I want love from the other. I just don't know. I just hate how I can be so unrestricted, so devoid of a barrier, so unrelenting.

So love knows everything, down to the choice I make, the reasons why, and the things I did right after with the Other. The other knows of what I did with love, and will wallow in thinking of being of fault and cause. More mayhem of honesty and the choices made. 

I don't know how I feel anymore. About love, about other, about me. Its funny. I can't write because I'm too lazy to go get the diary in the car to wallow the thoughts. What do I want? What do I need? What am I looking for? Why leave everything for nothing and anything?

People will hate me, people will look down upon me for all this. I know it, and it's started. What words I said, will be lies, what promises be made, will be empty. What hope, will be contempt. Its an endless destruction of something I don't even know whats is.

I just won't know and learn. Forgive me Love, Forgive me Other, Forgive Myself.